An American Problem: Sinister Issues of Race and Accountability

Today, following the grisly shooting and murders of 9 black members of the historic Emanual African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, Dylann Roof was apprehended. 

Nice bowl cut, jackass.

Considering the nature of his violent and admittedly race-motivated actions ("You've raped our women and you've taken over the country... This must be done."), the collective sigh of relief that he is in custody was palpable. The lives he ripped away from those 9 worshippers in the midst of the most peaceable and selfless thing a person can do is a horrifying reminder that racism is no less violent and threatening than it has been throughout history. 

But there is another insidious reminder that racism is alive and well. And that is that Dylann Roof is alive and well. 

In 2015 alone, there have been over 550 people killed by police officers. Some of these happened in the line of duty, some very certainly did not, but even those who were in many cases were questionable. But the frightening thing is PoCs are disproportionately represented in the numbers of those killed. According to nonprofit initiative Mapping Police Violence, in 2014 there were 304 black individuals killed by police. In 2014, black people were three times more likely than whites to be killed by police. At least 101 of those killed in 2014 were unarmed. None of the officers who killed black people on-duty were convicted of a crime. And in case you don't think it's an American problem, Canada has a higher black population than Missouri (11.7% in the last census) and had only one black person killed nationwide. 

And that's not including other PoCs. 

So two-thirds of the black individuals killed by police in 2014 were unarmed. UNARMED. And yet a white serial killer, a known threat especially with a gun and armed at the time of arrest, was apprehended alive and unharmed. 

Alive. And unharmed. Let that sink in. 

I am not advocating that he should have been shot on sight, but in far too many cases that is exactly what has happened, and the only major distinction is race. 

Well that, and the fact that almost none of the violence (maybe even legitimately none) perpetrated by the offenders included the massacre of 9 people. In many cases it involved no violence at all. 

But a pack of cigarillos or wearing a hoodie is definitely scarier

than a confirmed killer. Because, you know, black. 

And it doesn't stop there. There has already begun with widespread media and whitesplainers all over social media: Well he was obviously mentally ill. Oh was he? Is that why this lone wolf attacked these innocent people? 

It couldn't be because of the violence-loving white supremacist acculturation he was indoctrinated into. No way. Because that would mean other white people were possibly to blame on a cultural level. That Donald Trump making very similar comments about Mexicans could be culpable. That Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck's hatespeech is internalized and impactful in a material way among a population of white America. 

And yet when PoCs commit crimes (or hell, even fall victim to crimes), their actions are viewed through a lens of gang culture, socialized propensity for violence and hypersexualization. Trayvon Martin was a thug. The kids at the McKinney pool party were unruly animals. Transwomen of colors are disproportionately murdered, but y'know, they were "streetwalkers" or "hustlers" or "prostitutes," so... 

See, because white people are in a position of power, they tend to guide the narrative. It's called hegemony. The point of any power class is to maintain the status quo-- staying in power. Therefore the characterization of white offenders revolves around mental illness or abuse endured in youth or other mitigating circumstances that separate the offenders from whiteness or cultural complicity. The narrative humanizes white people by making them individuals and dehumanizes PoCs by avoiding details that disassociate them from race/ethnicity and culture. It makes it far too easy for people to buy into the scripts of white racial superiority. The bad guy isn't one of us. He's a psychopath. Unless the bad guy is a PoCs. Then he's a product of culture. 

My heart is pained and I am grieving for the families and community of those who met their end at the hands of this vile human being. But I am also grieving for a country whose racist underpinnings are so deeply rooted that this man believed he was acting for the good of others. I am grieving for a country in which a significant portion of the population fears for their lives, even from police, because of the pigment of their skin. I am grieving for the children who are already pegged as "less than" because their body produces more melanin. 

Rest in power.

Senator Rev. Clementa C. Pinckney

Rev. Sharonda Singleton

Myra Thompson

Tywanza Sanders

Ethel Lee Lance

Cynthia Hurd

Rev. Daniel L. Simmons Sr.

Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor

Susie Jackson

The Miseducation of Rachel Dolezal

By now just about everyone has heard about the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP President of the Spokane Washington Chapter who was just discovered to be white. Dolezal would hardly be the first white individual to hold a leadership position within the NAACP. Further, we all just celebrated Caitlyn Jenner's revelation of self-defined identity. Not to mention Dolezal didn't exactly opt for a position that affords more privilege. So what's the big deal?

Firstly, she lied. Lied by omission, lied by fabricating evidence to bolster her claim of blackness, lied by appropriating styles that are conscripted by society as being representative of black racial identity with the purpose of being presumed black. If being white was not an issue in terms of barring her from her work with the NAACP, then her disguise served no purpose other than making her feel more comfortable at the expense of legitimate black experience and struggles. PoCs are born into a social system in which race has material affects on their lives. Hate crimes are not a fantasy. Prejudice is not an abstract frustration. Lack of access politically, educationally, socially, in employment, and in so many other areas is not an idea of whimsy and wonder. This is reality. And that's where Dolezal's privilege shows. At any point, she could have stopped what she was doing, slipped out the back door, gone blonde, stopped tanning and *POOF* white lady, with all the access that affords. PoCs do not have that choice.

But there are people who pass for white! you say? Yes. Some. And that choice, the choice to live with privilege or deny it becomes a matter of conscience. But there are ways in which a person passing for white is different than a person passing for black. Passing for white doesn't threaten white people because white status is a position of power. If a PoC has the ability to live with the privilege of whiteness in the eyes of society, white people are basically saying "It's okay, you're one of us. We accept you. Come join the party." It's complicated, but only for the individual faced with the choice of accepting or rejecting the privilege that assumed whiteness brings. On the other hand, white people posturing as PoCs are encroaching upon an identity that historically has been one of struggle, exploitation and dehumanization at the hands of white people, and that is usurping an identity that is also relatively less powerful by contrast. It is therefore extremely problematic to just assume "hey, I feel black so I'm black now." Dolezal's struggles are not the struggles of institutionalized racism and systemic violence against her for her racial and ethnic identity. There is no way for her to understand what that reality is like, no matter how many people she fooled. Again, she could walk away. She had an out.

Which is why this is okay...

...But this is absolutely not.

But Caitlyn Jenner! you say. If Caitlyn Jenner can decide to change her outward reality, why can't Dolezal do the same? Good question. I'll start by discussing what gender means. Gender is a socially constructed concept that defines how a person identifies along a spectrum of masculine to feminine to neither to both. Our definitions for this gender or that are based upon cultural and traditional norms which evolve over time and are dependent upon our communities of association. In the 19th century boys wore pink to show status. High heels were originally designed for men to make them taller and were abandoned when women began to wear them to look more masculine. Regardless of your physical body, your likes and dislikes and activities and behaviors may be considered more or less masculine/feminine depending on the era, and those variables create your gender identity. Your gender identity is where you place yourself on the spectrum based on how you feel. Like it or not, it is fluid and ever-changing. The choices to pursue surgery or otherwise cosmetically or aesthetically change one's outward appearance among transmen and women are no different than any other elective surgeries or procedures or even hairstyles or makeup for cismen and women. It is how we express our gender identity, our feelings about where we self-define, and it helps others to see us in the same light.

But race now. Race is also a socially constructed concept as there is no biological or genetic difference between races. There are no subgroups or DNA mismatches. Our basic makeup as human beings is identical. So race is how society has chosen to categorize people based upon common physical characteristics among groups, most notably skin color. This has been done as far back into recorded history as we can find. Historically, different races have been exploited or dehumanized, abused and discriminated against rationalized by everything from junk science to political or economic motives. And specifically in our country, black Americans predominantly find their history in the West-African slave trade. Even those who do not have experienced the ramifications. Reformation, the Ku Klux Klan, lynchings, segregation, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement, fire hoses, rejection from places of business, slurs, fear for their safety, even fear from officers of the law who should be protecting them. You don't get to just pick that identity because of your feelings. It simply doesn't work that way. It is not your place to say you belong. Not now. Not ever.

But I think my biggest issue is this: in attempting to "change race," she not only adopted styles mimicking what she saw commonly among black women, she conflated race with culture. She attempted to "act black." How exactly does one "act black"? When you ask yourself that question, you can immediately see why her changes in behavior to fit in are problematic. The only way to act black is to BE BLACK. If you are black then however you are acting is acting black. Anyone who is NOT black and attempting to "act black" is choosing behaviors informed by stereotypes.

Further, there are ways to be an effective traitor to your race and the internalized racial scripts our society lives with without pretending you're not white. The disguise is indicative of race shame and guilt, neither of which are useful in deconstructing inequality. Step one of being a white ally: Own your shit. Admit your privilege and the ways you benefit from it. Admit that your starting line is just a little closer to the finish line than many of the other racers. And then actively seek to reject that privilege. Don't take advantage of it when you have a choice. Point out when someone is catering to your privilege and ask them not to. Speak up when you see injustice. Listen more than you talk. Don't make it about you. Dolezal did a lot of good for the NAACP and PoCs. But she could have done a lot more by not pretending to be something she was not. Allies are important to the cause too, and transparency is critical.

The Bones of this House: Saying Goodbye to Move On

In two days I will be leaving my very first house.

This exodus, from a town I have resided for over a decade and this simple little building, is vital. For the last several years I have felt stifled and alienated as my friends have moved away, my plans for education and professional pursuit have changed dramatically, and the area has offered little in the way of viable opportunities for personal progress. The move will offer better employment opportunities, a change of scenery and fresh eyes, and all surrounded by family and friends. New adventures await and I am invigorated by the very chance, the sheer serendipity that allowed my family this moment to play out.

Three weeks now have been spent in harried chaos: making repairs, painting, upgrading, packing, showing our house, more repairs, lots of driving, viewing homes, making bids, taking rejections, thinking we got a house and having to relinquish the contract after inspection, more viewings, more bids, more packing, monkey wrenches, and trying to squeeze in time with the few remaining people I see here with any degree of regularity. We have had limited sleep and limited comfort. Boxes have been piled in our garage and throughout our house. Moving is considered among the top three most stressful common things people go through, along with death and divorce. Communicating that to my three year old child has been an added challenge, as order and stability are important to feelings of comfort and confidence in children. Having an anxiety disorder, I have certainly felt the weight of this particularly hectic limbo.

But as I look around me this morning with the empty rooms and boxes mostly removed, at the kitchen with disposable plates and plasticware, a vacant closet aside from a pair of shoes and a couple days' worth of clothes and nothing further to really do until it's time to go, everything is peaceful. And for the first moment since we made the decision to move, I think about what all I am leaving behind.

In six and a half years in this house, there has been more literal blood, sweat, and tears than I could have possibly fathomed when they handed us the keys. Two months after we closed, my husband and I married. We used our honeymoon money to renovate what we could on our house, all DIY. New paint, new fixtures, a giant facelift on a budget. I finished my bachelor's degree that summer where I met an instructor who became one of my best friends. I worked a social service job and was traumatized by a child-offender against his mother while attempting a home visit. I went back to graduate school. I  learned I found joy in teaching. I began my first academic research foray into gender and sexual identity from a social justice research perspective. My beautiful niece was born, and the same day I discovered I was pregnant. My pregnancy became a running joke about whether my thesis or pregnancy due date would come first. I published my first peer-reviewed literature. We welcomed our little girl. I met Monica Roberts, a prominent and brilliant advocate for transgender rights who became a friend and hero and shaped my future advocacy profoundly. I defended my thesis. I graduated with my Master's in Sociology and started doctoral work. One of two best friends married the love of her life. I suffered postpartum depression, which led to over a year separated from my husband. My daughter took her first steps, said her first word, got her first teeth in this home. I experienced heartbreak I was unprepared for at the hands of malicious colleagues which led to a drastic decline in my health. I suffered a near-fatal adrenal failure. My other best friend married her long-time boyfriend. I was awarded the 2014 Ally of the Year honor by a national transgender advocacy and resource nonprofit. I made the hardest decision of my life and walked away from academia for my family and my health. I went through the grueling process of self-deconstruction to figure out who I was without that huge piece of my identity. And I began the healing process of putting myself back together. 

And just yesterday, my best friend gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy you've ever seen. Life renewed.

When realtors and renovators use housing lingo, they talk about the bones of a house. What they mean is the very structure, the load-bearing beams, the layout, the general flow of the actual building. But as I leave these particular bones, I am reminded of something more. This house has breathed with us. Cried with us. Laughed with us. It has protected us. It has been kind to us. It has been the one consistent and steadfast thing in our lives since we took ownership. And I don't think you can really leave something like that behind. The house is a part of us now, just like we are a part of it. It is family. And no matter where we go, there will always be a gratitude for our very first home.

Goodbye house. Thank you for everything.

Wisdom of the (Young) Ages: Life Lessons from a 3-Year-Old

Some of you may remember the letter I penned to my daughter outlining things I wished for her future in this uncertain world. I shared what wisdom I could from my accumulated years in hopes it would someday help her and maybe others. But the truth of the matter is my daughter has taught me more than I have ever taught her. While I have guided her through proper hand-washing techniques and left and right, a little adding and subtracting, to recognize letters and sounds, to say please and ask in a nice tone, she has opened my eyes to the beautiful way children see and experience the world. I'm here to tell you, they're some valuable lessons for adults. I'd like to share a few of her pearls of wisdom with you now. 

The nugget in her natural state.

1. We define ourselves. 
A few days ago before napping together, my bitty girl was telling me about her blankie, Night-Night. She told me Night-Night was a girl. I asked how she knew Night-Night was a girl. She paused, then responded "I don't know. I wiw ask her. Night-Night, are you a girl?" Night-Night (in a high pitched version of my daughter's voice) answered "Yes, I a girl." She then turned to me and said "She's a girl. She said so." We should respect the way others define themselves. If you expect someone to take you at your word and honor it, whether it is with a declaration of faith or profession or fandom or any socially defined role, you should do the same for others. 

2. Cool is not really cool. You do you. 
I once asked my daughter if she was cool. She promptly replied, "No, I just funny." When I asked if it was better to be funny or be cool, she took no time in shouting "Funny!" I have tried to teach her about different ways of describing personality over time to improve her vocabulary and emotional intelligence in identifying and evaluating. But one of my far and away favorite things about her is her conviction about not being labeled. When I ask if she is a superhero, a princess, a helper, a baby, a big girl, a comedian, a maniac, or any number of other roles, she typically answers, "No, I just Skyla." She doesn't claim to be anything other than herself, and she doesn't feel bad about defining herself just as she is. And to me, that's cooler than cool. 

3. Don't take yourself too seriously.
As anyone who has spent time with small children knows, kids don't have a filter. They call it like they see it. I am a recovering perfectionist having spent much of my life fretting over whether people liked me or not, whether I was good enough, whether I was the best, hung up on ever real and perceived imperfection. With a kiddo, that's out the window. "Mommy can I blow dry your hair? You have crazies." "Mommy, you have a BIG belly!" "Mommy you're squishy." "Mommy stop singing. STAHP." "Mommy is bad at throwing." Ouch. And these are within the past two days. It's a pretty perpetual reality check. But I also get to see her creating magical spaces in a diaper and rain boots, singing at the top of her lungs and making up tunes with zip for vocal control (my husband and I were both trained singers and musicians, so it's pretty hilarious), oohing and ahing over how beautiful she looks in her "pretties" (play jewelry) and hand-picked ensembles when nothing matches and her hair is a rat's nest... And you know what? I don't think less of her. I think her quirks are the best. She doesn't see failings, she just takes every little thing in stride. Good, bad, and ugly. I want to be more like her. 

4. Anti-bullying is the hero-maker.
When teaching a three-year-old about social issues and matters that will come up sooner rather than later in their lives, you must be able to communicate on their level. Basically, it has to be simple. Accessible. I was reading one of my daughter's favorite books to her ("A is for Activist"), and we got to the letter X which was Malcom X. When she asked me who he was, my mind flashed with all the complex and nuanced sociopolitical events and statements that dictated his public persona and personal conviction and thought how in the world was I going to convey that to a three-year-old? So I started slowly, and it finally dawned on me: he stood up to bullies and inspired others to stand up to bullies too. Through Black History Month, Hispanic American Heritage Month, and Women's History Month as promos cropped up to teach young ones about influential individuals in our history, I found this theme resonated over and over. The act of standing up against a bully, whether on a personal or systemic level, is an act of courage and heroism. My daughter told me quite earnestly she thinks Malcom X is a superhero and lists him among The Avengers since they help people too.  

5. Magic is real.
Recently, after sharing a fun and imaginative activity I want to do to inspire my daughter's creativity, a good friend asked me what in the world my daughter was going to do when she was grown up and moves out. With all the magic I create for her, my friend told me, if she were my daughter she'd never leave. While it was a truly rewarding sentiment to share, my goal is not to create an alternate plane of existence for my little girl. My goal is to remind her that magic is real. She taught me that. From in infancy staring in awe at a ceiling fan in motion to delighting at finding items for the fairy house we built to creating "pictures" by shaping the foods she eats to her sincere inclusion of unicorns and witches and fairies and princesses and talking ponies and friendly monsters side by side real animals and people, she has shown me the world is what we believe it to be and we see what we look for. If we believe in magic we can find it. This doesn't mean we should live in a fantasy world-- reality must be acknowledged and treated as such. But there are so many incredibly, fearfully wonderful things to see and experience if we know how to look. 

6. Patience is a virtue, and it is really, really important. 
While I have been writing this post, I have had an overly-tired three-year-old (out of town birthday party today with no nap) asking me to play, requesting voice overs for dialogue between Thor and Iron Man, climbing on me, rolling in my lap, offering me snacks, making noise to make noise, lifting my hair up to tell me secrets with no decrease in volume, making "toot sounds," and grabbing my hands to play "crazy cakes" (her own special version of patty cakes involving manic and chaotic flailing of hands together). And yet, I have not fussed. If she has done something inappropriate ("Sweetheart, hands out of your mouth. That's gross. You know better."), I address it calmly and move on. I do the voices. I dole out kisses and hugs. I let her climb and roll insofar as I can keep my computer out of the line of fire. And I keep pressing forward and writing. She is not doing these things to annoy me or frustrate me. She doesn't give a flying rat's ass about my blog. She doesn't know what a blog is. She just loves me. She wants my attention. She wants to show affection and play. I don't ever want her to think I am too busy for her. I may have to keep it succinct at times, but she is too valuable to me to ignore (even for all of you lovely readers!). 

I continue to learn more from her every day. This post only scratches the surface. Pay attention to the children in your life. There is so much to learn, and your life will be all the richer for it. 

"Mommy, I a LUNATRIX!"

Caitlyn Jenner and the Sobering Reality of Privilege

I want to begin by wishing a fervent and warm welcome to Caitlyn Jenner. It is incredibly brave for any soul to come forward and bare themselves as they really are, and after 65 years of keeping that self a secret, she can finally live an authentic life in the body she feels is home. I have nothing but the best of expectations for her, and hope her honesty and forthcoming will inspire younger generations, both trans- and cis- alike to embrace who they are and love themselves. It would do my heart such good if she would use her good name for good works, and her financial advantage to empower others to achieve the lives and bodies they deserve.

Caitlyn's debut to the world, her rebirth in the body she deserves, is monumental. It is unprecedented for a celebrity of such acclaim and notoriety to let the public be privy to such a meaningful change. We have grown increasingly more welcoming of trans-identified celebrities, both actors and models who openly embrace their gender experience. That in and of itself is a huge step toward widespread acceptance. But to see an established individual in the public consciousness step forward in such a way is courageous and furthers the push toward normalization. We need to see people we already love and admire pursue their true selves rather than thinking of trans-identity as an abstract unknowable.

That being said, there are some critical issues that are being overlooked. Laverne Cox noted in a statement on her own tumblr that

A year ago when my Time magazine cover came out I saw posts from many trans folks saying that I am “drop dead gorgeous” and that that doesn’t represent most trans people. (It was news to be that I am drop dead gorgeous but I’ll certainly take it). But what I think they meant is that in certain lighting, at certain angles I am able to embody certain cisnormative beauty standards. Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards. More importantly many trans folks don’t want to embody them and we shouldn’t have to to be seen as ourselves and respected as ourselves . It is important to note that these standards are also infomed by race, class and ability among other intersections.

The attention paid to Caitlyn's transformation, as beautiful a revelation as her process has been, has been largely focused on appearance, and make no mistake, they are cisnormative standards of beauty. The public at large are far more accepting of women who "pass" or would be undetectable as trans- at first glance. For the same reasons cis-women struggle with idealized and unattainable beauty standards, so do transwomen. The beauty ideal is light-skinned, Anglo-featured, thin-but-curvy, in shape but still soft (ripped abs are masculine or something?), straight-haired, long legged, narrow hipped, tiny-waisted, big-eyed, etc., etc. The closer a woman approximates this Barbie-esque image, the more valued she is by the general public. This is hard enough for any woman, but to consider the journey of transfemininity, there are other issues at play. Further, Laverne is right: the idealization of the quintessential woman is harmful for all of us. It is, even with the best of intentions in Caitlyn's case, damaging to those of us who do not fall on the traditional binary spectrum of gender performance or appearance, and those who cannot attain it due to genetics or lack of material access. We should be celebrating all forms of gender expression and appearance, regardless of their adherence to a narrow definition of beauty. 

But beyond this skin-deep issue is a more deep-seated one: the realities of the vast majority of trans-identified people in this country (and worldwide) are not marked by the same privilege that Caitlyn Jenner possesses. One in five trans-identified people have been discriminated against in seeking a home. More than one in ten have been evicted as a direct result of their gender identity becoming known. One in five has experienced homelessness, and 20-40% of the 1.6 million homeless youth are TLGBQ. Shelter for these children and often adults is denied, and often when they are accommodated, they are placed in an inappropriately gendered population. The rates of depression among trans-identified individuals (51.4% of transwomen, 48.3% of transmen) far exceed the percentages of the general population, and anxiety disorders yield similar rates with lack of social support as the predominant underlying cause for their symptoms, in addition to the impetus behind avoidant coping behaviors such as drug use. A frightening 41% of trans-identified individuals have attempted suicide. 19% have been refused medical care for their gender-nonconforming status. 2 percent have been violently assaulted by a medical practitioner in office. 26% have lost employment due to their gender status. 97% have experienced workplace violence or discriminatory treatment while employed. 27% of trans-identified people live in abject poverty, with 15% reporting incomes under $10,000 per year. Further, transwomen and transmen are routinely imprisoned in gender inappropriate populations. Can you imagine being a woman thrown in with an all-male inmate population? Traumatizing in a way I don't have the words to express. 50% of transpeople have been raped by a romantic partner. And to top it all off? Transwomen have a one in twelve chance of being murdered. Bump that up to one in eight if you are a woman of colors. 

And that's not to mention the ridiculous bathroom discrimination.

THIS is the reality transpeople, and disproportionally trans-people of colors, endure every single day. Not mansions. Not million+ dollar bank accounts. Not Annie Leibovitz photo shoots. No prime-time reality shows for an extra buck. Not designer clothing and bodies. No make-up crews or hair stylists. No loyal fanbase ready to embrace them with loving arms.  

The same courageous gender odyssey to reconcile their inner selves with their outward expression. Just without all the perks of being a white, wealthy, powerful, famous person. 

Caitlyn Jenner was brave to come forward and face the scrutiny of a vicious public. But there is a much more important story that we have been trying to share for a long time. Hopefully with the attention to her life and transformation, we will begin to really be heard.