The White Savior: Benevolent Racism and Bernie Sanders

So presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders has come forth and plainly stated an apology to #BlackLivesMatter was not his doing, and further it was "unnecessary."

Oh for fuck's sake, Bernie...

Look. Bernie has a lot of things going for him. His economic policy, his platform on social welfare, education, environmental concern all have me rooting for him. I think he could affect a lot of positive change for a great many marginalized people, and could over all improve the quality of life for many Americans.

But this IS. NOT. ACCEPTABLE.

Let's break this down, shall we?

Bernie Sanders does not feel an apology is necessary. He feels that based upon his voting and advocacy track record his loyalty should not have been questioned to begin with. He feels he has earned the support of black Americans, that it is a done deal, beyond the scope of reproach or suspicion.

That's white privilege speaking.

Yep, you heard me. He feels he's done enough to engender the support of a body who are actively soliciting his help. He feels he can dismiss those queries and calls to action because he already deserves their aid in his bid for the presidency.

The fact is racism and racist ideology are pervasive even among those who rally to improve lives and to educate themselves on matters of race and white supremacy. It is a continual process to confront these biases in order to grow as an ally (or frankly, to become one to begin with). Prominent social justice warrior and Sci-fi author Dennis R. Upkins has been an invaluable mentor in honing my own critical lens and calling out slip ups and messy racist thinking that has culminated from years of ignorance from never being asked to confront those issues in my own life. When I fuck up, Mr. Upkins hands me my ass (in a loving way, thankfully, because he knows my intentions are good!). But if there is one important lesson he has taught me, it is to own my shit and listen. And that is exactly what Sanders is NOT doing.

By dismissing the protests and entreaties for action, Bernie Sanders is saying "I know better what you need than you do." And THAT is racist, white-supremacist thinking. Do I believe Sanders will address racial injustice with actionable policy? Yes. I do. But it is not because he is truly an ally. He will do so because it makes him feel important to help those "less fortunate." It's white savior mentality at its finest.

For serious, tho.

If Sanders was truly an ally, his response would have been more along the lines of the following:

"I wish to formally apologize to the #BlackLivesMatter movement for

 my alarming unpreparedness in addressing your concerns. Despite my 

track record of advocacy, it is now clear to me that being an ally 

is an ongoing process of addressing biases, confronting your 

own problematic thinking, and actively working to deny the 

privilege that white status affords. And so I offer not only my sincerest 

regrets for my inadequacy, but pledge to educate myself and to learn all I 

can about the realities of this unjust and racially biased system so that 

I may work cooperatively with the #BlackLivesMatter movement to 

combat racism and white supremacy in concrete and actionable policies." 

It really is far less difficult than you might think to admit you screwed up and you need to learn more. It is okay to be wrong. It is not, however, okay to dismiss the needs and voices of a body of people for the sake of your own pride. Nobody asked for a savior, Bernie, especially not a self-entitled, snide, and latently (blatantly?) racist one. Own your shit and listen.

BlackLivesMatter: A White Girl's Rant

#BlackLivesMatter.

They do.

And yet the reaction to this simple phrase, this clear cut expression of the realization of importance for a body that has long been mistreated and exploited is handled as if the very black lives at stake are seeking special treatment or revenge. The movement is perceived and acted upon by both right and leftwing white progressives as if it is the petulant whine of an entitled child.

Ironically enough, that's sheer projection. Why can we not acknowledge, accept, embrace that black lives matter? Because WE are petulant, entitled children.

Nietzche posited that anti-semitism is the ideology of those who feel cheated. In my teaching and social justice endeavors, this construct has been an extremely viable tool for explaining the ideology of the oppressor or attempted oppressor. The body in power resents the drive for equal rights, equal representation, equal respect and dignity to the value of life as somehow threatening their own position in the hierarchy. I earned it, damn it, and I intend to keep it. Know your place. Be grateful for what we've given you. Don't test me.

If others are afforded the same inalienable rights we have always enjoyed, we feel cheated. Cheated out of being speshul snowflakes who are just a bit better than everyone else.

Uh... The whining doesn't help. 

Before anybody gets butt-hurt, I know plenty of white people who work damn hard. I know plenty who are good people, who help others, who strive to be pillars of success and generosity in their communities. But this is not a character judgment, not explicitly. This is brass tacks. The successes and ability to be generous and our wealth or security and upward mobility and the finest schools with the finest teachers and all of that ARE BUILT UPON A SYSTEM IN WHICH SOMEONE MUST BE EXPLOITED AND MARGINALIZED. Not everyone gets the best school, neighborhood, life chances. And those who do not are, plain and simply, people of colors. And within that context, we are disproportionately talking about black lives.

Okay, so you weren't born in the time of slavery. Guess what? Nobody alive was! Crazy, right? But when you view the circumstances into which newly freedmen were forced to survive, it's pretty easy to see how generationally black Americans have had a disproportionately hard time "picking themselves up by their bootstraps" and living the American Dream of prosperity and success. In the south, former Confederates were unwilling but forced to live alongside their former property in a time of dramatic economic despair. Who do you think they blamed? You think all of a sudden former slaves were invited over for barbecues or asked to white children's birthday parties? No. Largely many couldn't even find employment, and when they could they had zero rights protecting reasonable wages so they worked for a fraction of the wages of white workers and even convicts. Millions of people who had been offered no formal education (and precious little informal if they were lucky) could not take on work by virtue of illiteracy in both written word and arithmetic, so were relegated to domestic and manual labor. Given the long hours and low pay, this type of work did not offer them the opportunity to devote energy nor resources to bettering those circumstances. Sound familiar yet? In the north, they seldom fared much better, though by comparison it was easier going. What is little known among the population en masse is Abolitionists who strove for equality were few and far between (and why they are the most notable). Many abolitionists considered slavery no more than a basic human rights issue in that humans could not own other humans. That did not equate to wanting to befriend them, employ them, educate them, nor partake in any other interaction. Others had rallied to free slaves in hopes they could be shipped back to their continent of origin (or their parents' or grandparents' continent of origin). In short, blacks were not welcome. Work was still, as in the south, largely relegated to domestic and manual labor. 

From the end of reconstruction into the early 20th century, the U.S. did experience a nadir of race relations in which mostly northerners called for civil rights. During this period the economy improved, blacks had a modicum of upward mobility, they were allowed to hold public office, and even the governor of Mississippi who held office multiple times was married to a black woman. Unfortunately, this reach toward equality was stunted by the same old trope: 'We're being cheated.' Films like Birth of a Nation and to a lesser extent Gone with the Wind painted a romanticized version of a fairy tale south that was, yes, cheated out of its glory. Whether the initial hatred was intended for black Americans could be argued, but the results most clearly could not be. Angry, entitled southerners looked for an outlet for their rage against the north, knowing full well how futile and helpless they would be in armed conflict, and how swiftly judgment would fall upon violence perpetrated against whites. And so black Americans once again were lynched, murdered, and systematically removed from public office, decent schooling, living wages, livable housing, and even the possibility of being heard politically. 

From there, we are typically more familiar with history. Jim Crow and the reversal of progress toward racial equality led to the building and manifestation of the 1960s Civil Rights movement. We saw different camps with the same message: Black Lives Matter. Through the works of Malcom X, Dr. King, and countless others putting their very lives on the line to organize, demonstrate, fight back, arm themselves, the Civil Rights Act finally passed in 1964 and the Voting Rights Act in 1965. Yay! All better, right?

Wrong. Do you realize it took 100 bleeding years of struggle for black Americans to even have the opportunity to be federally recognized as deserving of equal rights? But it literally took an act of Congress to do it. Congress is not the general population. Nor is the POTUS. Since then the U.S. has put in a number of legislative bills to try to level the playing field. But that's just it. It's never been level. From the moment those pieces of legislation were signed into law, black Americans have been playing catch up in a system designed to cater to white Americans. It's like riding a bike on the highway. No matter how safely you maneuver or how kind those around you are, it was not built for bikes. You are in way more danger no matter what you do to protect yourself. 

Respectability politics anyone?

So do me a big favor and let this sink in: #BlackLivesMatter is not about an ex- you're trying to make up with who keeps bringing up that time you cheated on them so you feel perpetually guilty and obligated to treat them super-special and buy them flowers and chocolates and rub their feet. #BlackLivesMatter is about an abusive relationship in which the battered partner has had enough and says "Guess what motherfucker, I hit back."

And they should. 

Too Quiet: If it's not one thing it's another!

Many of you know my family has been going through a lot of transitions, including a major move. We have been in our new house now for nearly a month, and I have had the internet now for about two weeks. So you might be wondering why I have been so silent as of late.

Well, first things first. Moving is an exhausting undertaking. For the first two weeks in our new home, I didn't sleep more than 4 hours a night, and spent the entirety of my waking hours painting, lifting, building, cleaning, arranging, juggling service people and appointments, and generally running around town for necessities as they popped up. We got a tremendous amount of work done, and it has paid off beautifully. My daughter officially has the Hulk room she requested (more on that in a before & after DIY update post to come), and my doggie loves her giant yard. But there is a list a mile long of things we still plan to tackle, including a master bath remodel, cultivating the entire backyard area into an outdoor living space, and taking down the popcorn ceilings. Though I'm sleeping more a night now, we've been keeping beyond busy.

In addition to the chaos that is adjusting to a new house/town, I have also accepted a new position working at a progressive private school teaching Sociology, British Literature, World Literature and (of all things) drama (I told you I wore many hats!). I am in love with the school. From being housed in an actual house to encourage students to feel comfortable in their learning environment, to the focus on collaboration and healthy risk-taking instead of competition and hierarchy, this is the place for me. Obviously though, that's a lot of prep work. Having only ever really taught Sociology, and having been a loooooong time since I taught at the high school level, it's been a challenge to lesson plan and cultivate ideas. Luckily for me that's fun work, but work nonetheless. And with the new job (which is technically part time allowing me to work from home on my schedule except for in-class hours), it has necessitated another challenge: finding affordable childcare.

I could probably swing this guy. 

If you have children and don't stay home with them (and even if you do if you've ever needed a sitter), you know that childcare is a racket. Finding something affordable, flexible, AND well-run with good curriculum is like finding a unicorn. The conundrum: I could use child care 4 days a week, but I only really need childcare 3 days a week for a couple hours each day. Unfortunately, those days are not your run of the mill Monday/Wednesday/Friday. I need Monday/Wednesday/Thursday. So many places were inflexible about the days of the week. The truly worthwhile places cost an arm and a leg. The okay places we would have to shell out extra money for five days a week we wouldn't even use! And trust me, I wouldn't use it if we didn't need to. I'm not ready to completely give up weekdays with my daughter. I've mentioned in previous posts that I suffer from anxiety disorders. At this point in time in my life, I am fortunate to have developed valuable coping mechanisms, practicing grounding techniques and avoiding triggers when possible. Generally I suffer far less now than I have at times in the past. But boy oh boy did the school stress trigger it. Every "no," every time I'd find a place I liked that was flexible and heard the exorbitant price tag, I lost it a little more. I began questioning whether it was even worth it to have a job if I was going to be funneling all the extra money I made into paying for childcare that I wouldn't need if I wasn't working! But finally... we found the place. Great curriculum including STEM. They teach Spanish. They have art and P.E. and even take field trips. They have short school days (8:00-3:15) which is all I need. AND... Their 4 day a week program is nearly half the cost of everywhere else. Relief! I don't want to pay for time I don't need, but having the extra day to work means I will have to spend less time working when my daughter is with me or after she's in bed. Built in planning time. I'll take it.

And as if that craziness is not enough, a little under a month ago, my body had a strange reaction. I have a history of hormonal issues and endometriosis, so when I began feeling pain and unusual symptoms, I guessed it had to with stress. About 11 days in, I was instructed to double my birth control pills for 3 days. After I found no relief and felt the pain increase, I finally got into see a specialist on day 17 for a sonogram and evaluation. Turns out the estrogen in my birth control which had been bumped up 7 months ago for medical reasons was causing my endometrial lining to thicken. At the time of the appointment, it was twice the thickness it should be which, compounded with endometriosis, was the source of the pain and unusual symptoms. Basically, my first self-diagnosis was correct: my uterus had staged a coup and was trying to take over my body. After being told it literally would not stop (like... ever), I was instructed to immediately cease taking birth control and was scheduled for surgery. It's still 3 days away, and even on prescription pain medication I've been fetal more than a few times. I'm doing my best to carry on day to day (swim lessons and tea parties and dance-a-thons with three year olds don't happen on their own!), but the effort is exhausting. Usually by the time I get to the point in time I could write, I have had no energy or focus. Just a few more days and I will hopefully be able to get back to writing regularly. I can't BELIEVE how much I have missed discussing.

Thanks everyone for your patience and well-wishes. And don't worry...

An American Problem: Sinister Issues of Race and Accountability

Today, following the grisly shooting and murders of 9 black members of the historic Emanual African Methodist Episcopal Church in Charleston, South Carolina, Dylann Roof was apprehended. 

Nice bowl cut, jackass.

Considering the nature of his violent and admittedly race-motivated actions ("You've raped our women and you've taken over the country... This must be done."), the collective sigh of relief that he is in custody was palpable. The lives he ripped away from those 9 worshippers in the midst of the most peaceable and selfless thing a person can do is a horrifying reminder that racism is no less violent and threatening than it has been throughout history. 

But there is another insidious reminder that racism is alive and well. And that is that Dylann Roof is alive and well. 

In 2015 alone, there have been over 550 people killed by police officers. Some of these happened in the line of duty, some very certainly did not, but even those who were in many cases were questionable. But the frightening thing is PoCs are disproportionately represented in the numbers of those killed. According to nonprofit initiative Mapping Police Violence, in 2014 there were 304 black individuals killed by police. In 2014, black people were three times more likely than whites to be killed by police. At least 101 of those killed in 2014 were unarmed. None of the officers who killed black people on-duty were convicted of a crime. And in case you don't think it's an American problem, Canada has a higher black population than Missouri (11.7% in the last census) and had only one black person killed nationwide. 

And that's not including other PoCs. 

So two-thirds of the black individuals killed by police in 2014 were unarmed. UNARMED. And yet a white serial killer, a known threat especially with a gun and armed at the time of arrest, was apprehended alive and unharmed. 

Alive. And unharmed. Let that sink in. 

I am not advocating that he should have been shot on sight, but in far too many cases that is exactly what has happened, and the only major distinction is race. 

Well that, and the fact that almost none of the violence (maybe even legitimately none) perpetrated by the offenders included the massacre of 9 people. In many cases it involved no violence at all. 

But a pack of cigarillos or wearing a hoodie is definitely scarier

than a confirmed killer. Because, you know, black. 

And it doesn't stop there. There has already begun with widespread media and whitesplainers all over social media: Well he was obviously mentally ill. Oh was he? Is that why this lone wolf attacked these innocent people? 

It couldn't be because of the violence-loving white supremacist acculturation he was indoctrinated into. No way. Because that would mean other white people were possibly to blame on a cultural level. That Donald Trump making very similar comments about Mexicans could be culpable. That Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck's hatespeech is internalized and impactful in a material way among a population of white America. 

And yet when PoCs commit crimes (or hell, even fall victim to crimes), their actions are viewed through a lens of gang culture, socialized propensity for violence and hypersexualization. Trayvon Martin was a thug. The kids at the McKinney pool party were unruly animals. Transwomen of colors are disproportionately murdered, but y'know, they were "streetwalkers" or "hustlers" or "prostitutes," so... 

See, because white people are in a position of power, they tend to guide the narrative. It's called hegemony. The point of any power class is to maintain the status quo-- staying in power. Therefore the characterization of white offenders revolves around mental illness or abuse endured in youth or other mitigating circumstances that separate the offenders from whiteness or cultural complicity. The narrative humanizes white people by making them individuals and dehumanizes PoCs by avoiding details that disassociate them from race/ethnicity and culture. It makes it far too easy for people to buy into the scripts of white racial superiority. The bad guy isn't one of us. He's a psychopath. Unless the bad guy is a PoCs. Then he's a product of culture. 

My heart is pained and I am grieving for the families and community of those who met their end at the hands of this vile human being. But I am also grieving for a country whose racist underpinnings are so deeply rooted that this man believed he was acting for the good of others. I am grieving for a country in which a significant portion of the population fears for their lives, even from police, because of the pigment of their skin. I am grieving for the children who are already pegged as "less than" because their body produces more melanin. 

Rest in power.

Senator Rev. Clementa C. Pinckney

Rev. Sharonda Singleton

Myra Thompson

Tywanza Sanders

Ethel Lee Lance

Cynthia Hurd

Rev. Daniel L. Simmons Sr.

Rev. DePayne Middleton-Doctor

Susie Jackson

The Miseducation of Rachel Dolezal

By now just about everyone has heard about the controversy surrounding Rachel Dolezal, the NAACP President of the Spokane Washington Chapter who was just discovered to be white. Dolezal would hardly be the first white individual to hold a leadership position within the NAACP. Further, we all just celebrated Caitlyn Jenner's revelation of self-defined identity. Not to mention Dolezal didn't exactly opt for a position that affords more privilege. So what's the big deal?

Firstly, she lied. Lied by omission, lied by fabricating evidence to bolster her claim of blackness, lied by appropriating styles that are conscripted by society as being representative of black racial identity with the purpose of being presumed black. If being white was not an issue in terms of barring her from her work with the NAACP, then her disguise served no purpose other than making her feel more comfortable at the expense of legitimate black experience and struggles. PoCs are born into a social system in which race has material affects on their lives. Hate crimes are not a fantasy. Prejudice is not an abstract frustration. Lack of access politically, educationally, socially, in employment, and in so many other areas is not an idea of whimsy and wonder. This is reality. And that's where Dolezal's privilege shows. At any point, she could have stopped what she was doing, slipped out the back door, gone blonde, stopped tanning and *POOF* white lady, with all the access that affords. PoCs do not have that choice.

But there are people who pass for white! you say? Yes. Some. And that choice, the choice to live with privilege or deny it becomes a matter of conscience. But there are ways in which a person passing for white is different than a person passing for black. Passing for white doesn't threaten white people because white status is a position of power. If a PoC has the ability to live with the privilege of whiteness in the eyes of society, white people are basically saying "It's okay, you're one of us. We accept you. Come join the party." It's complicated, but only for the individual faced with the choice of accepting or rejecting the privilege that assumed whiteness brings. On the other hand, white people posturing as PoCs are encroaching upon an identity that historically has been one of struggle, exploitation and dehumanization at the hands of white people, and that is usurping an identity that is also relatively less powerful by contrast. It is therefore extremely problematic to just assume "hey, I feel black so I'm black now." Dolezal's struggles are not the struggles of institutionalized racism and systemic violence against her for her racial and ethnic identity. There is no way for her to understand what that reality is like, no matter how many people she fooled. Again, she could walk away. She had an out.

Which is why this is okay...

...But this is absolutely not.

But Caitlyn Jenner! you say. If Caitlyn Jenner can decide to change her outward reality, why can't Dolezal do the same? Good question. I'll start by discussing what gender means. Gender is a socially constructed concept that defines how a person identifies along a spectrum of masculine to feminine to neither to both. Our definitions for this gender or that are based upon cultural and traditional norms which evolve over time and are dependent upon our communities of association. In the 19th century boys wore pink to show status. High heels were originally designed for men to make them taller and were abandoned when women began to wear them to look more masculine. Regardless of your physical body, your likes and dislikes and activities and behaviors may be considered more or less masculine/feminine depending on the era, and those variables create your gender identity. Your gender identity is where you place yourself on the spectrum based on how you feel. Like it or not, it is fluid and ever-changing. The choices to pursue surgery or otherwise cosmetically or aesthetically change one's outward appearance among transmen and women are no different than any other elective surgeries or procedures or even hairstyles or makeup for cismen and women. It is how we express our gender identity, our feelings about where we self-define, and it helps others to see us in the same light.

But race now. Race is also a socially constructed concept as there is no biological or genetic difference between races. There are no subgroups or DNA mismatches. Our basic makeup as human beings is identical. So race is how society has chosen to categorize people based upon common physical characteristics among groups, most notably skin color. This has been done as far back into recorded history as we can find. Historically, different races have been exploited or dehumanized, abused and discriminated against rationalized by everything from junk science to political or economic motives. And specifically in our country, black Americans predominantly find their history in the West-African slave trade. Even those who do not have experienced the ramifications. Reformation, the Ku Klux Klan, lynchings, segregation, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement, fire hoses, rejection from places of business, slurs, fear for their safety, even fear from officers of the law who should be protecting them. You don't get to just pick that identity because of your feelings. It simply doesn't work that way. It is not your place to say you belong. Not now. Not ever.

But I think my biggest issue is this: in attempting to "change race," she not only adopted styles mimicking what she saw commonly among black women, she conflated race with culture. She attempted to "act black." How exactly does one "act black"? When you ask yourself that question, you can immediately see why her changes in behavior to fit in are problematic. The only way to act black is to BE BLACK. If you are black then however you are acting is acting black. Anyone who is NOT black and attempting to "act black" is choosing behaviors informed by stereotypes.

Further, there are ways to be an effective traitor to your race and the internalized racial scripts our society lives with without pretending you're not white. The disguise is indicative of race shame and guilt, neither of which are useful in deconstructing inequality. Step one of being a white ally: Own your shit. Admit your privilege and the ways you benefit from it. Admit that your starting line is just a little closer to the finish line than many of the other racers. And then actively seek to reject that privilege. Don't take advantage of it when you have a choice. Point out when someone is catering to your privilege and ask them not to. Speak up when you see injustice. Listen more than you talk. Don't make it about you. Dolezal did a lot of good for the NAACP and PoCs. But she could have done a lot more by not pretending to be something she was not. Allies are important to the cause too, and transparency is critical.

The Bones of this House: Saying Goodbye to Move On

In two days I will be leaving my very first house.

This exodus, from a town I have resided for over a decade and this simple little building, is vital. For the last several years I have felt stifled and alienated as my friends have moved away, my plans for education and professional pursuit have changed dramatically, and the area has offered little in the way of viable opportunities for personal progress. The move will offer better employment opportunities, a change of scenery and fresh eyes, and all surrounded by family and friends. New adventures await and I am invigorated by the very chance, the sheer serendipity that allowed my family this moment to play out.

Three weeks now have been spent in harried chaos: making repairs, painting, upgrading, packing, showing our house, more repairs, lots of driving, viewing homes, making bids, taking rejections, thinking we got a house and having to relinquish the contract after inspection, more viewings, more bids, more packing, monkey wrenches, and trying to squeeze in time with the few remaining people I see here with any degree of regularity. We have had limited sleep and limited comfort. Boxes have been piled in our garage and throughout our house. Moving is considered among the top three most stressful common things people go through, along with death and divorce. Communicating that to my three year old child has been an added challenge, as order and stability are important to feelings of comfort and confidence in children. Having an anxiety disorder, I have certainly felt the weight of this particularly hectic limbo.

But as I look around me this morning with the empty rooms and boxes mostly removed, at the kitchen with disposable plates and plasticware, a vacant closet aside from a pair of shoes and a couple days' worth of clothes and nothing further to really do until it's time to go, everything is peaceful. And for the first moment since we made the decision to move, I think about what all I am leaving behind.

In six and a half years in this house, there has been more literal blood, sweat, and tears than I could have possibly fathomed when they handed us the keys. Two months after we closed, my husband and I married. We used our honeymoon money to renovate what we could on our house, all DIY. New paint, new fixtures, a giant facelift on a budget. I finished my bachelor's degree that summer where I met an instructor who became one of my best friends. I worked a social service job and was traumatized by a child-offender against his mother while attempting a home visit. I went back to graduate school. I  learned I found joy in teaching. I began my first academic research foray into gender and sexual identity from a social justice research perspective. My beautiful niece was born, and the same day I discovered I was pregnant. My pregnancy became a running joke about whether my thesis or pregnancy due date would come first. I published my first peer-reviewed literature. We welcomed our little girl. I met Monica Roberts, a prominent and brilliant advocate for transgender rights who became a friend and hero and shaped my future advocacy profoundly. I defended my thesis. I graduated with my Master's in Sociology and started doctoral work. One of two best friends married the love of her life. I suffered postpartum depression, which led to over a year separated from my husband. My daughter took her first steps, said her first word, got her first teeth in this home. I experienced heartbreak I was unprepared for at the hands of malicious colleagues which led to a drastic decline in my health. I suffered a near-fatal adrenal failure. My other best friend married her long-time boyfriend. I was awarded the 2014 Ally of the Year honor by a national transgender advocacy and resource nonprofit. I made the hardest decision of my life and walked away from academia for my family and my health. I went through the grueling process of self-deconstruction to figure out who I was without that huge piece of my identity. And I began the healing process of putting myself back together. 

And just yesterday, my best friend gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy you've ever seen. Life renewed.

When realtors and renovators use housing lingo, they talk about the bones of a house. What they mean is the very structure, the load-bearing beams, the layout, the general flow of the actual building. But as I leave these particular bones, I am reminded of something more. This house has breathed with us. Cried with us. Laughed with us. It has protected us. It has been kind to us. It has been the one consistent and steadfast thing in our lives since we took ownership. And I don't think you can really leave something like that behind. The house is a part of us now, just like we are a part of it. It is family. And no matter where we go, there will always be a gratitude for our very first home.

Goodbye house. Thank you for everything.

Wisdom of the (Young) Ages: Life Lessons from a 3-Year-Old

Some of you may remember the letter I penned to my daughter outlining things I wished for her future in this uncertain world. I shared what wisdom I could from my accumulated years in hopes it would someday help her and maybe others. But the truth of the matter is my daughter has taught me more than I have ever taught her. While I have guided her through proper hand-washing techniques and left and right, a little adding and subtracting, to recognize letters and sounds, to say please and ask in a nice tone, she has opened my eyes to the beautiful way children see and experience the world. I'm here to tell you, they're some valuable lessons for adults. I'd like to share a few of her pearls of wisdom with you now. 

The nugget in her natural state.

1. We define ourselves. 
A few days ago before napping together, my bitty girl was telling me about her blankie, Night-Night. She told me Night-Night was a girl. I asked how she knew Night-Night was a girl. She paused, then responded "I don't know. I wiw ask her. Night-Night, are you a girl?" Night-Night (in a high pitched version of my daughter's voice) answered "Yes, I a girl." She then turned to me and said "She's a girl. She said so." We should respect the way others define themselves. If you expect someone to take you at your word and honor it, whether it is with a declaration of faith or profession or fandom or any socially defined role, you should do the same for others. 

2. Cool is not really cool. You do you. 
I once asked my daughter if she was cool. She promptly replied, "No, I just funny." When I asked if it was better to be funny or be cool, she took no time in shouting "Funny!" I have tried to teach her about different ways of describing personality over time to improve her vocabulary and emotional intelligence in identifying and evaluating. But one of my far and away favorite things about her is her conviction about not being labeled. When I ask if she is a superhero, a princess, a helper, a baby, a big girl, a comedian, a maniac, or any number of other roles, she typically answers, "No, I just Skyla." She doesn't claim to be anything other than herself, and she doesn't feel bad about defining herself just as she is. And to me, that's cooler than cool. 

3. Don't take yourself too seriously.
As anyone who has spent time with small children knows, kids don't have a filter. They call it like they see it. I am a recovering perfectionist having spent much of my life fretting over whether people liked me or not, whether I was good enough, whether I was the best, hung up on ever real and perceived imperfection. With a kiddo, that's out the window. "Mommy can I blow dry your hair? You have crazies." "Mommy, you have a BIG belly!" "Mommy you're squishy." "Mommy stop singing. STAHP." "Mommy is bad at throwing." Ouch. And these are within the past two days. It's a pretty perpetual reality check. But I also get to see her creating magical spaces in a diaper and rain boots, singing at the top of her lungs and making up tunes with zip for vocal control (my husband and I were both trained singers and musicians, so it's pretty hilarious), oohing and ahing over how beautiful she looks in her "pretties" (play jewelry) and hand-picked ensembles when nothing matches and her hair is a rat's nest... And you know what? I don't think less of her. I think her quirks are the best. She doesn't see failings, she just takes every little thing in stride. Good, bad, and ugly. I want to be more like her. 

4. Anti-bullying is the hero-maker.
When teaching a three-year-old about social issues and matters that will come up sooner rather than later in their lives, you must be able to communicate on their level. Basically, it has to be simple. Accessible. I was reading one of my daughter's favorite books to her ("A is for Activist"), and we got to the letter X which was Malcom X. When she asked me who he was, my mind flashed with all the complex and nuanced sociopolitical events and statements that dictated his public persona and personal conviction and thought how in the world was I going to convey that to a three-year-old? So I started slowly, and it finally dawned on me: he stood up to bullies and inspired others to stand up to bullies too. Through Black History Month, Hispanic American Heritage Month, and Women's History Month as promos cropped up to teach young ones about influential individuals in our history, I found this theme resonated over and over. The act of standing up against a bully, whether on a personal or systemic level, is an act of courage and heroism. My daughter told me quite earnestly she thinks Malcom X is a superhero and lists him among The Avengers since they help people too.  

5. Magic is real.
Recently, after sharing a fun and imaginative activity I want to do to inspire my daughter's creativity, a good friend asked me what in the world my daughter was going to do when she was grown up and moves out. With all the magic I create for her, my friend told me, if she were my daughter she'd never leave. While it was a truly rewarding sentiment to share, my goal is not to create an alternate plane of existence for my little girl. My goal is to remind her that magic is real. She taught me that. From in infancy staring in awe at a ceiling fan in motion to delighting at finding items for the fairy house we built to creating "pictures" by shaping the foods she eats to her sincere inclusion of unicorns and witches and fairies and princesses and talking ponies and friendly monsters side by side real animals and people, she has shown me the world is what we believe it to be and we see what we look for. If we believe in magic we can find it. This doesn't mean we should live in a fantasy world-- reality must be acknowledged and treated as such. But there are so many incredibly, fearfully wonderful things to see and experience if we know how to look. 

6. Patience is a virtue, and it is really, really important. 
While I have been writing this post, I have had an overly-tired three-year-old (out of town birthday party today with no nap) asking me to play, requesting voice overs for dialogue between Thor and Iron Man, climbing on me, rolling in my lap, offering me snacks, making noise to make noise, lifting my hair up to tell me secrets with no decrease in volume, making "toot sounds," and grabbing my hands to play "crazy cakes" (her own special version of patty cakes involving manic and chaotic flailing of hands together). And yet, I have not fussed. If she has done something inappropriate ("Sweetheart, hands out of your mouth. That's gross. You know better."), I address it calmly and move on. I do the voices. I dole out kisses and hugs. I let her climb and roll insofar as I can keep my computer out of the line of fire. And I keep pressing forward and writing. She is not doing these things to annoy me or frustrate me. She doesn't give a flying rat's ass about my blog. She doesn't know what a blog is. She just loves me. She wants my attention. She wants to show affection and play. I don't ever want her to think I am too busy for her. I may have to keep it succinct at times, but she is too valuable to me to ignore (even for all of you lovely readers!). 

I continue to learn more from her every day. This post only scratches the surface. Pay attention to the children in your life. There is so much to learn, and your life will be all the richer for it. 

"Mommy, I a LUNATRIX!"

Caitlyn Jenner and the Sobering Reality of Privilege

I want to begin by wishing a fervent and warm welcome to Caitlyn Jenner. It is incredibly brave for any soul to come forward and bare themselves as they really are, and after 65 years of keeping that self a secret, she can finally live an authentic life in the body she feels is home. I have nothing but the best of expectations for her, and hope her honesty and forthcoming will inspire younger generations, both trans- and cis- alike to embrace who they are and love themselves. It would do my heart such good if she would use her good name for good works, and her financial advantage to empower others to achieve the lives and bodies they deserve.

Caitlyn's debut to the world, her rebirth in the body she deserves, is monumental. It is unprecedented for a celebrity of such acclaim and notoriety to let the public be privy to such a meaningful change. We have grown increasingly more welcoming of trans-identified celebrities, both actors and models who openly embrace their gender experience. That in and of itself is a huge step toward widespread acceptance. But to see an established individual in the public consciousness step forward in such a way is courageous and furthers the push toward normalization. We need to see people we already love and admire pursue their true selves rather than thinking of trans-identity as an abstract unknowable.

That being said, there are some critical issues that are being overlooked. Laverne Cox noted in a statement on her own tumblr that

A year ago when my Time magazine cover came out I saw posts from many trans folks saying that I am “drop dead gorgeous” and that that doesn’t represent most trans people. (It was news to be that I am drop dead gorgeous but I’ll certainly take it). But what I think they meant is that in certain lighting, at certain angles I am able to embody certain cisnormative beauty standards. Now, there are many trans folks because of genetics and/or lack of material access who will never be able to embody these standards. More importantly many trans folks don’t want to embody them and we shouldn’t have to to be seen as ourselves and respected as ourselves . It is important to note that these standards are also infomed by race, class and ability among other intersections.

The attention paid to Caitlyn's transformation, as beautiful a revelation as her process has been, has been largely focused on appearance, and make no mistake, they are cisnormative standards of beauty. The public at large are far more accepting of women who "pass" or would be undetectable as trans- at first glance. For the same reasons cis-women struggle with idealized and unattainable beauty standards, so do transwomen. The beauty ideal is light-skinned, Anglo-featured, thin-but-curvy, in shape but still soft (ripped abs are masculine or something?), straight-haired, long legged, narrow hipped, tiny-waisted, big-eyed, etc., etc. The closer a woman approximates this Barbie-esque image, the more valued she is by the general public. This is hard enough for any woman, but to consider the journey of transfemininity, there are other issues at play. Further, Laverne is right: the idealization of the quintessential woman is harmful for all of us. It is, even with the best of intentions in Caitlyn's case, damaging to those of us who do not fall on the traditional binary spectrum of gender performance or appearance, and those who cannot attain it due to genetics or lack of material access. We should be celebrating all forms of gender expression and appearance, regardless of their adherence to a narrow definition of beauty. 

But beyond this skin-deep issue is a more deep-seated one: the realities of the vast majority of trans-identified people in this country (and worldwide) are not marked by the same privilege that Caitlyn Jenner possesses. One in five trans-identified people have been discriminated against in seeking a home. More than one in ten have been evicted as a direct result of their gender identity becoming known. One in five has experienced homelessness, and 20-40% of the 1.6 million homeless youth are TLGBQ. Shelter for these children and often adults is denied, and often when they are accommodated, they are placed in an inappropriately gendered population. The rates of depression among trans-identified individuals (51.4% of transwomen, 48.3% of transmen) far exceed the percentages of the general population, and anxiety disorders yield similar rates with lack of social support as the predominant underlying cause for their symptoms, in addition to the impetus behind avoidant coping behaviors such as drug use. A frightening 41% of trans-identified individuals have attempted suicide. 19% have been refused medical care for their gender-nonconforming status. 2 percent have been violently assaulted by a medical practitioner in office. 26% have lost employment due to their gender status. 97% have experienced workplace violence or discriminatory treatment while employed. 27% of trans-identified people live in abject poverty, with 15% reporting incomes under $10,000 per year. Further, transwomen and transmen are routinely imprisoned in gender inappropriate populations. Can you imagine being a woman thrown in with an all-male inmate population? Traumatizing in a way I don't have the words to express. 50% of transpeople have been raped by a romantic partner. And to top it all off? Transwomen have a one in twelve chance of being murdered. Bump that up to one in eight if you are a woman of colors. 

And that's not to mention the ridiculous bathroom discrimination.

THIS is the reality transpeople, and disproportionally trans-people of colors, endure every single day. Not mansions. Not million+ dollar bank accounts. Not Annie Leibovitz photo shoots. No prime-time reality shows for an extra buck. Not designer clothing and bodies. No make-up crews or hair stylists. No loyal fanbase ready to embrace them with loving arms.  

The same courageous gender odyssey to reconcile their inner selves with their outward expression. Just without all the perks of being a white, wealthy, powerful, famous person. 

Caitlyn Jenner was brave to come forward and face the scrutiny of a vicious public. But there is a much more important story that we have been trying to share for a long time. Hopefully with the attention to her life and transformation, we will begin to really be heard. 

Rape Me: The Insidious Nature of Sexual Objectification of Women and What We Can Do About It

Today a friend posted a status on Facebook about an incident that happened in front of the school where she teaches. A truck pulled up next to her and the passengers honked and yelled at her. Right in front of students. She was understandably mortified, and she posed an extremely powerful question: Why can't she have just one place  where she is not a woman and objectified but viewed as a degreed, careered professional?

You would think, right? In a professional context, people would treat you with respect. Generally speaking, it's simply not the case. Hell, I was told I was "too pretty" for academia more times than I could count. That my efforts there were a waste. That no one would take me seriously. That I was "too sexy" for academia. By my colleagues. Men and women. People who were aware of my abilities. What does that even mean?

The reality is with the insidious indoctrination of binary gender and rape culture, context means zip. Men are socialized to view women as objects for consumption, and they are entitled to our bodies and our spaces.

Rape culture is the current label for this brand of socialization, indicating the mainstream acceptance of images and messages that hearken to the "male gaze." Women's bodies are fetishized and categorized in television, film and movies. Women's work (primarily relegated to domestic, care-taking and reproductive labor) is largely undervalued while women are widely excluded from higher paying fields such as engineering. Women are shamed for their sexuality or exercising bodily autonomy. When transwomen are murdered (and they are predominantly Women of Colors), the first question asked always seems to be "Well what was she doing?" as if any answer to that questions justifies taking a human life. Women in the U.S. are acculturated by Protestant ethical standards which traditionally dictate women should be subordinate and subservient to men. Even toddlers are expected to wear t-shirts and shorts over two-piece bathing suits to look "appropriate."

I'm sorry, is this too sexy?

Women are taught from early on that we are squarely responsible for the sexual urges and actions of men. We must be modest so they can control their wild animalistic urges to bang everything around them with abandon.

Sound ridiculous?

Of course it does. And yet we see this logic played out again and again with victim blaming and slut shaming. 

My own experience with sexual objectification started very young (a man at a garage sale when I was 6 told me if I was a little older he'd take me on a date because I was beautiful. Gross.), and has been perpetual and ongoing. When I was 16, a man stalked me at my place of work. He would frequent the store daily until I finally was reduced to hiding in the back when he came in. The store manager screamed at him, told him I was 16 and to leave me alone, but that of course didn't help a bit. He was waiting at my car when I got off of work. He was back in the store the next day. Security was called, he was banned from the mall, and I had to take a one month hiatus before I felt comfortable coming back. The questions by mall patrons about whether I was a "dancer" or referring to me as "a spinner" were at least weekly. 

When I was freshly 18, I was head over heels in love with my then ex-boyfriend. We were on the verge of getting back together when I was raped by a coworker. I didn't tell him. I couldn't. I was horrified and feared anyone and everyone's reactions. I moved out of my parents' house, quit going to school, quit my job and found work elsewhere, and moved in with my ex-boyfriend. I couldn't commit to a relationship at that point, and he couldn't understand why. How could he? We were living together, we loved each other... I was erratic and depressed. Months later I was diagnosed with PTSD, but I didn't know what was happening to me at the time. To make matters worse, my ex began dating someone else while I was living with him. I became desperate to move out so maybe we could try again, but he didn't understand that either. He was angry. So when I did move out and appealed to him, even admitting what happened, he told me we couldn't get back together because it would be "unfair" to the woman he had been dating for 2 months. Yep. Unfair to her. 

A year and a half later, I was dating a guy I met in class over the summer. One month in, his best friend drugged me and raped me. He couldn't wrap his mind around it, even though his best friend had been kicked out of the dorms at his school for alleged sexual harassment of several female students. But no, I clearly had done something wrong. I deserved it. 

When I was 21, an ex-boyfriend broke into my apartment at 3 a.m. when he heard at a party I had been dating someone new. He felt so entitled to my body that I awoke to him on top of me beating me. He only left when I managed to get to my phone and call 911. He punched through two panes of glass in the window on his way out. His best friend ultimately reached out to his parents who convinced him to turn himself in. When police contacted me for a statement, they asked if I was sleeping around.

My more recent experience with assault is too fresh and too raw to share at this time. Suffice it to say my naive idea that being a highly educated professional with a husband and a daughter would afford me more respect was ill-fated. 

I repeat: Context does not matter at all. 

When I reached out to friends to share their stories, they came flooding in. Rape, molestation, harassment from strangers, vile comments in their places of work, policing of their bodies... The fact is it doesn't take physical assault to violate a person's feelings of worth, security, safety and privacy. Words can do plenty. 

One particular story that was shared by a male friend highlighted something that bears discussion. He confessed to having been raped years ago, and upon sharing the experience of his attack was met with disbelief and mocking... By a woman. It may seem strange to highlight an instance in which a man was the target of objectification, but there is a point I cannot impress enough: women have so deeply internalized the script that men cannot be raped that they believe women are the appropriate targets. It's just part of being a woman. 

This is profoundly troubling. There is no appropriate target of rape. Rape is always wrong in every context possible. 

Even in my own experiences, people who I turned to for support posed questions: What was I doing that provoked the attack? How did I keep ending up around these violent people? Why would I put myself in unsafe conditions? I was instructed not to talk or make eye contact or be friendly to strangers, to never be alone with men, to avoid, avoid, avoid. 

As if I had caused every single one of the aggressions, from getting stalked to being assaulted. 

And the questions came as often from women as from men. Women have been socialized to believe "she deserved it." I struggled with believing "I deserved it." 

But I didn't. And I don't. No one does. The backlash is starting to take hold, and it does my heart good. 

A male friend asked me sincerely where the line is drawn between harassment and appreciation. I would like to shed a little light on what I personally feel should be guidelines for action or inaction. 

1. Context SHOULD matter. Do not approach someone about anything remotely sexually involved while in a professional context. Ever. Do not approach someone about hooking up in a setting in which they might feel especially uncomfortable-- read the body language and vocal cues. If they're avoiding eye contact, looking around, shuffling, appear closed in with their arms or legs, angle away from you, give short responses or don't make an effort to initiate or perpetuate conversation, THEY ARE NOT INTERESTED. Respect their space, respect their choice, and walk the hell away. 

2. Content is important. In stand-up comedy, the #1 rule for success is know your audience. You kind of have to get a feel for the crowd. If you walk up to someone you don't know and open with "You have the most amazing tits I've ever seen!" or "When can I put my head between your legs?" (both pick up lines used on me before), chances are REALLY good they will not appreciate it. Warm up to more. Really. Err on the side of going slower than you think you need to. 

3. Do not make someone a spectacle. Many people don't like attention in general, and it's worse if it's unwanted attention and they're suddenly in the spotlight. It's a horrible violation of a person's privacy and space. 

4. Tone is crucial. When commenting upon someone's appearance or even hoping to chat someone up for a date, make absolutely sure you do so in a friendly, laid-back and non-threatening way. You don't want to scare someone away and you certainly shouldn't be okay with scaring them into submission. Show respect by keeping it casual and low-stress. 

5. Respect boundaries. If you see a ring or someone says they're in a relationship, walk away. Unless otherwise expressly stated, most marriages are not a polite suggestion. They are commitments between two people. Stay out of it. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. It is skeevy and disgusting to continue when you have been given a clear indicator to stop. And that doesn't just go for rings, y'all. 

My hope is by bringing these things to light and contributing to the conversation about sexual objectification that people feel they are not alone, and perhaps I can help those who earnestly want to avoid crossing lines. Teach your sons not to rape, that they are not entitled to women or their bodies. Demonstrate respect to everyone you meet. Always get consent. My best to you all, and remember: Women are not things. They are people. 

Responsibility 101: Cookies, Blockbuster and Sex Abuse

In the wake of the Duggar controversy and the bizarre pageantry of support for the family who knowingly covered up the abuse as well as for Josh Duggar the abuser himself, I think it's time we go back to Responsibility 101. 

I see you Huckabee. 

Let me break this down for you: Josh Duggar molested at least five girls including younger sisters. His parents became aware of the abuse around the time of the occurrence. There is precious little information regarding the girls and how the parents sought help for them aside from the homeschool curriculum they used which squarely put the responsibility on the victims for being attacked and violated as punishment from God for immodesty and immorality. We know the treatment sought for Josh was dispensed by Bill Gothard's Institute in Basic Life Principles, the founder of which left in 2014 amid dozens of accusations of sexual harassment and grooming teens, as well as covering up his own affairs with at least five patients and further turning a blind eye to child abuse. It looks pretty damn bad from every angle. 

But for a moment, let's give the benefit of the doubt. What if, at the very least (and I mean literally, that absolute minimum) that Josh Duggar alone is legitimately remorseful? If so, super. But... he continued his holier-than-thou crusade against those he deemed unworthy and sinful without ever owning up to the impact and implications of his deplorable actions against the autonomy of these girls' bodies and psyches. He only showed shame and relented from the task of bullying others when the allegations surfaced publicly to the extremely righteous rage of the masses. He showed no outward crisis of conscience until it became absolutely necessary to mitigate damage control. In fact, in opposition to any remorse, he carried out systemically violent rhetoric and action against an entire population of marginalized people. 

Basically, he's like the kid who took cookies from the jar and was found out. He's not at all sorry he stole, but he's very, very sorry he got caught. 

It is an unfortunate reality that people cheat others. They take what they can get away with. They pass the buck. They push and they pull and so often their actions go unchecked in any meaningful way. The only barometer of their morality is how little others suspect of their wrongdoing. 

Sometimes this disregard for others is little more than a nuisance. Remember when you used to rent movies at Blockbuster and someone hadn't rewound the tape? Jerks. That's just annoying. But in far too many cases, people will continue to push the envelope, and every time they get away with their ratchet behavior, that same behavior is reinforced. The next time they push a little farther. 

And when this behavior is finally brought to light, what is even more inexcusable is that others jump to shield and protect the offender instead of those whose lives he left broken in ways that can never fully be repaired. 

Not my president.

So I'm going to just put this out there and ask you to take note: WE ARE ULTIMATELY RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT WE PUT OUT INTO THE UNIVERSE. You may change. You may find the fault of your actions. You may feel shame or guilt or remorse for what you have done. 

But until you OWN it, you are perpetuating it. 

This goes for all acts that harm our fellow human beings. Racism. Sexism. Ageism. Ableism. Transphobia. Homophobia. Gossiping and rumor-mongering. Exploiting others. Throwing people under the bus. Physically assaulting people. Infringing on another's privacy, space, or ability to feel safe. Systemic violence. Taking bribes. Pandering. Catering to those most able to keep you in power at the expense of those most in need. And of course, sexual assault and abuse. 

Staying silent serves no one's interests but your own. It is an egregious act of self-interest. And inaction is the same as complicity. To come forward voluntarily and with humility, to do everything you can to right your wrongs, to take the consequences of your actions wholly and with grace would be a start. If you wait until all you can do is back-peddle, you deserve what you get. 

Luke 12:1-3 "Beware ye of the leaven of the Pharisees, which is hypocrisy. For there is nothing covered, that shall not be revealed; neither hid, that shall not be known. Therefore whatsoever ye have spoken in darkness shall be heard in the light; and that which ye have spoken in the ear in closets shall be proclaimed upon the housetops." 

19 Lies and Counting: Josh Duggar and the Spectacle of Anti-Gay Bigotry

The internet is buzzing with news of the allegations that Josh Duggar, anti-gay activist and reality TV star, sexually abused a child. And it should be. 

I can't even with this...

Though the circumstances of this individual's behaviors are abhorrent, there is an issue beyond child molestation here that I feel should be addressed: we see story after story of anti-gay crusaders being outed for serious, deep-seated, bigoted and often even dangerous behaviors. 

On the tame end, we find church pastors who tout anti-gay rhetoric and warn of the dangers of same-sex marriage damaging the core of American family values only to discover... they're gay. These individuals have so deeply internalized the social stigma and shame script that their self-hatred has been projected onto others. They condemn the gay community, those who are proud and open, those who accept and love themselves enough to love whom they choose because they can't face the reality that they lack the courage to do so themselves. In these cases, though they are pitiable, I don't pity them. I only wish they could find the courage to be true to themselves and to stop placing road blocks for others. 

But it gets worse. Just yesterday, anti-gay pastor Rev. Matthew Makela was discovered soliciting casual sex from men on Grindr. In and of itself, that's not an issue in my book. Do what you please with consent is all I ask. But a married father of five and the spiritual figure for an entire church community charging that the sanctity of marriage will be destroyed by same-sex partnering while trolling for ass on the internet? Problem. 

And speaking of the sanctity of marriage, reports have surfaced that outspoken anti-gay rights and anti-gay marriage television host Bill O'Reilly brutalized his wife, choking her while dragging her down a flight of stairs in front of their daughter. Quite sanctimonious, Bill. Not to mention in his "religious" repulsion to same-sex coupling, Bill ignores the same scriptural aversion to divorce. Just sayin'. All sins equal in the eyes of God, right? 

In 2006 evangelical anti-gay pastor Ted Haggard was outed for soliciting sexual services from male prostitutes and binging on crystal meth. In 2007 former Idaho senator Larry Craig was caught trying to solicit sexual services from an undercover officer at a Minneapolis airport. In 2012 Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu of Arizona, both anti-gay and anti-immigration, was outed by the testimony of his former boyfriend (identified only as "Jose") when he threatened him with deportation. In 2011 anti-gay New York Senator Karl Kruger plead guilty to corruption charges for using bribe money to update a Brooklyn mansion which he shared with his boyfriend Michael Turano. In 2010 George Rekers, a conversion therapist (which has been banned in increasingly more places and was openly condemned by the POTUS earlier this year) was caught returning from a European holiday with an escort he found on Rentboy.com. In 2010 Senator Roy Ashburn (R-Calif.) was arrested for drunk driving after leaving a gay nightclub. He attempted to back-peddle by saying his rampant anti-gay agenda was on behalf of the desire of his constituents. And just earlier this year, Angeline Jackson and a friend were ambushed at gunpoint and sexually assaulted on a wooded trail by anti-gay rapists who had posed as lesbians in an online chatroom. She was told she should "leave this lifestyle and go back to church." Uh huh. 

Yes, so she can hopefully meet more upstanding pillars of the community like you.

And the list goes on. 

Are you seeing a theme? I am. 

If you really stop to think about it, why are all of these people so committed to the cause of denying rights to a population to which they don't belong (or in many cases DO)? Simple: they're hiding something. Sometimes that something is only perceived to be negative by them. Sometimes that something is morally reprehensible and dangerous. 

I am a lead-by-example type of person. I believe in it. And so it is hard for me to grasp why people would get so worked up over something that does not affect their life in any way. The reasoning completely eludes me. If you don't agree with something that does no harm to others and has no impact whatsoever on your life, why do you spend so much time thinking about it and rallying against it? What is the point? If you don't agree with it, DON'T DO IT. It's really that simple. No need for hateful speech or actions or actively pursuing the denial of rights to an entire body of people for being a way you don't understand (and it is downright unconscionable for those who do understand and oppress anyway). 

My two cents? People should be able to do whatever it is they want to do with their bodies and in their choices insofar as it doesn't impede on the rights or safety of others. 

You do you. 

And to those hate-spewing homophobic mouthpieces of violence? I can't hear what you're saying. Your actions are far too loud.